My Love Is Your Love

Take that fever!

Been feeling ill a lot recently – seem to be getting one illness after another. This winter has been unkind… If you don’t know what neutropenia is you should look it up. It’s hell.

But spring is finally here!

Apart from planning my next trip through Africa (Ghana again, Burkina Faso, Mali, Senegal, The Gambia) and fund-raising for my orphanage in Ghana, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking… I’ve realised I’m tired. Feel like I’m fighting all the time… Think I need a break from my own life… What a thing to say! Sounds crazy, right?

I’m gonna be honest – I’m pretty exhausted. Travel, and the preliminaries, are much more exhausting than people realise. It really is a lifestyle of ups and downs, extremes, constant unknowns and prayer. A lot of early mornings, lack of sleep, and yes, illness. I don’t regret it… but sometimes life living out of a suitcase just catches up with you and you just fancy hanging a picture, painting a wall, developing a bit of a routine perhaps – rather than just constant chaos, rushing, running, planning, always moving on to the next goal, vision… I think all artists have these moments. Yes, I consider myself an artists, a visionary.

 Now don’t get me wrong – I do take time out – I have to.
I just came back from a trip to the New Forest with my English family, we went to Stonehenge and Avebury for the equinox, and before that I was travelling through Spain. But I got ill! Surprise surprise – Fever in Sevilla! – and whilst I still had a beautiful time, really… I could have done with just relaxing for a week… putting my feet up. Nursing myself and convalescing. Which I NEVER do.

I’ve decided that, after my trip across West Africa (which I am VERY pumped for) I’m gonna totally let go. No more plans! Full stop. I’m gonna pack a bag and go and stay in Florence for a while again, perhaps settle for a month initially and see what happens. I’ll find work. I always do. And my Italian seems to be getting  better, even though I don’t live in Italy anymore. Perhaps from there I’ll go back to Spain… I did love Seville. Could live there for a while… and Morocco is so close. Oh and Egypt! So close! I could do a trip – travel all over the country and then cross over into Israel and… oh, gosh, I’m doing it again. Supposed to be not planning, resting…

No. No. I’m just gonna stay here in the UK for now, spend time with my family, use that annual subscription to English Heritage I just bought as much as I can now that the weather is getting nicer, focus on some fundraising for those beautiful children in Ghana that I know are waiting for my return. That’s all I’m gonna do… well, okay, I just booked a ticket to go and stay with friends in London – there’s a few bits I wanna see there whilst I’m in the country again and it’s the Bomb’s birthday. 25! Gosh we’re getting old. Time is flying. Oh and then of course the Bomb is in a new play in Paris come June, I’ll have to use that excuse to go back to Paris. It’s been years, about time I went back. Really want to see the Saint Chapelle anyway… missed that last time. And I’m flying to Ghana from Madrid as the tickets were cheaper from there so I may as well spend a bit of time in Spain again before I travel, the weather will be nice and… oh, dear… see how my mind works?

I’m a pain in the arse. Too much bloody going on in this head! Too many ideas. I can’t keep up, can I?

It goes something like this – I am a boy whose mind has far more energy than his body, far more drive and faith… if I could just wake up one morning without another sinus headache… I need to get out of this country! I always do this when I come back to the UK – think I need to leave ASAP only a week into my stay as if somehow the UK will purge me of all I’ve achieved so far on my travels…

Well, I woke up feeling pants (really crap) this morning, walked round my old hometown for a bit, the sun was out, took a lot of painkillers which I just adore, had a coffee, then walked up to my mumma’s house, took my old uke and sat in the spare room and sung my head off! Bet the neighbours dread my visits.

It’s one of my old favourite songs to sing. Gives me hope and makes me smile.

Enjoy –

I’m feeling better after that!

So got a message from one of my old pals in Bangalore, India, this morning. Loved living in that city… gosh, I miss India. Never did make it up to the north… why don’t I have a quick look on Skyscanner. Might just book myself a flight on that new credit card I just got… NO! No, no, NO!

My bank are such idiots… Jx

“Transformation is a process, and as life happens there are tons of ups and downs. It’s a journey of discovery – there are moments on mountaintops and moments in deep valleys of despair.” – Rick Warren

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37 Comments

  1. Awww ! So sorry you went through so much. Hope you are well now ! I don’t think you should stop travelling, I think this is what gives you energy. The places you visit and the people you meet become your muse and that is how you write. Travel writing is not easy. Even travelling is not that easy. I know it is very tiring. But then you create memories. Not just for yourself but also for the people who read you. You show the world to people through your lens and words which is a deadly combination & then there is you as a topping in pictures 😉 … Like you I am too excited about travelling and I will be travelling in June to London & Scotland. Wish I could write like you but then I cannot see beyond poems. I really wish that I am inspired enough to write about my travels !!! 🙂

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    1. Aww, thank you. That’s very kind! I won’t stop travelling. Couldn’t in fact, even if I wanted to. It’s too much of my life; my life has become centered around my journey and I wouldn’t know how to get off this train…the stops are all far behind. But I am feeling better. The weather’s warming in Europe which is always a blessing for my health. I’ll be heading back to Spain in a few weeks now that most of my fundraising is done, before heading back to Africa in June. I still have many a story to tell… I hope you have a wonderful time on the Emerald Isle… X

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  2. Oh my…I want to copy and paste this post onto my own blog and simply substitute the details of my life for yours! I soooo very much get it!! I’m feeling the same way, been sick lots too, am exhausted beyond measure, feeling like I’m gonna collapse and yet can’t contain myself as the desire for and inspirations of life just keep beckoning me forward! Bless you dear friend. I had more fun than I should have reading this post!

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    1. Haha. Do it! Why not? Recycling is the new wave thing. But seriously – bless you. It seems we’ve all been wading through the thick recently and I hope the spell lifts soon, for all our sakes.. Just had dinner with a dear old friend and it’s pretty much all we discussed – the need for change and new start. Death to the old ways… Here’s to coming together, keeping on keeping on. Come what may. JXXX

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      1. Wow, even your response makes me feel better. What is it about realizing that you’re not the only one that causes a person to feel better? Felt myself take a deep breath just now. Have to admit, I love being friends with you…even if it is only in the form of reading each others blogs. God is good.

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        1. Aww, thank you. I’m glad to be your friend too. I’ve said it before – been quite amazed this past year at how positive social media can be, if used in the right way. God is indeed good!

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  3. Sorry to hear about your recent bout of illness. I had a rough six month stretch that just recently ended, so I empathize all too well. It’s extremely inspiring that even in the midst of your physical low, you’re still excited at the prospect of helping others. Can’t wait to hear more about the orphanage!

    I deeply connected to your sentiment about always running towards the next goal and vision as an artist. I’ve been struggling to put down roots in my new city, fighting my wanderlust so I can embrace the lessons I know I was brought here to learn. Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is be still, but those seasons of rest often bring the greatest harvests of wisdom and prepare us in unpredictable ways for our next chapter. May it be so for you.

    Your song was absolutely delightful! Your voice has such a warm, expressive quality to it. Truly a balm for the soul after a long day. Thank you for sharing the video. Is that a concert ukulele? I have a few soprano ukes, but I love the sound of yours. Wishing you healing, clarity, and many more joyous jam sessions. – D

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    1. Thank you for your beautiful words. The thought of the orphanage and Ghana are two things really getting me through, continually inspiring me to keep on keeping on. I will have many a tale to tell on that front… I’m sorry to hear of your recent illness too. It’s seems we are not alone – a lot of people have been experiencing this ‘mal-winter’ as I’m calling it… but now for Spring. All these comments, good will and guidance have inspired and lifted me. What a gift! Truly blessed. I think, like you, I may head somewhere to put roots down for a while… perhaps. Somewhere in-between travel and stillness if that makes sense. Somewhere I can exhale for a while, and embrace each little detail around me. I think that is something I am supposed to do for a while… we’ll see… perhaps I need to focus more on my music… This is my old Baritone uke and I’m so glad to have it back. I’ve decided it must come with me on my next journey, after Africa. It’s a beautiful little instrument. Bought it a couple of years ago to write songs on. Performed with it quite a bit too, which was never really my intention. I’m more of a singer than ‘musician’ …but I do write a lot of songs. Wish you all the peace and light you surely deserve. Anon. JX

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  4. I’m sorry you’ve been going through sickness. I can relate. I grew up with severe asthma and allergies, in and out of hospitals and emergency rooms into my adulthood, died a couple times from it and still struggle with it. I missed a lot of school growing up but as soon as I was well again, I was running through the house!

    I’m just now beginning to recover some from my second lung infection in 3 months, and when they come, I’m knocked flat. That happens because like you I have all this energy with my mind whirling, my soul soaring, feeling and knowing all I’m here to do to assist humanity and the planet and so ready to do it.

    I’ve been on the road for over three years now, staying longer in certain homes than others, but I long for a home base to make my own again and to build community and….. to be able to travel from it :))

    Good thing there’s people like us to balance out those folks who live in the same town they grew up in and never move beyond that.

    Sending on healing energy!

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    1. Thank you, Katelon. Seems then that we can relate on many levels indeed. You obviously understand what it’s like to feel constantly kicked down by the physical body when, as said, all the spirit wants to do us soar, spread and grow, and help others along the way. You know I’m starting to believe this struggle is very much intrinsic to who we are; these fights tests of our willpower and true belief in what we are and what we’re trying to do. I am glad I’m not the only warrior freedom fighter. I hope you, like I hope I, find the balance between home and away, that perfect oasis between growth of roots and sky-reaching branches. Sending light your way. Ad Infinitum. Jx

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      1. Thanks James! I could also relate to your wish to be able to just take time out of taking care of your body. My career is as a holistic/spiritual healer, trainer, coach and also corporate trainer…or it was, and yet, I felt like my real job all my life was to get well. There were many times when I wanted to just check out awhile and just be.

        I have remembered past lives all my life and remember being a warrior freedom fighter from the beginning of my soul journey, working to stop the dark and bring forth full light to all. I do feel that quickly, this planet will be shifting fully into the light, a true heaven on earth with humanity and the planet in freedom, fully aware of its divine nature and creative power. Then…you and I will have healthy bodies :)) Katelon

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        1. I love your vision. I pray for this world, this new Jerusalem, Zion, heaven on earth, one love and peace. This world has a lot of pain and sometimes when I lay in bed at night I feel it flooding from every direction… but then there’s that other energy, something greater, stronger, unseen and yet deeply felt. You sound like a very interesting lady indeed, Katelon. I hope perhaps one day our waters meet and we can sit and talk over a cup of tea, dream of new bodies, and witness the changes in the world around us. Until that day, I wish you light and love on your journey, helping people… peace. JamesX.

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        2. Thanks so much James. That would be a delight. So we will hold that vision in our hearts, with “Aradhana”…focused unceasing prayer …and so it shall be. Please direct me to the name of your African orphanage for fundraiding, too. Katelon.

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        3. Indeed we shall… Ad astra… It’s the Missahoe Children’s Home, Kpando, Ghana. I will be writing about the orphanage and my fundraising v. soon so will put all the information up on this site in case anybody wants to play a part, sponsor a child or simply spread the word. Jx

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  5. Each of us is of infinite value and infinitely loved. Both of these are understatements. Mere infinity is not enough to describe how much our Father’s eternal love. In that perspective Claire’s suggestion above – “lay back on the water” and let the current lead you’ is the ultimate comfort. Enjoy your family, relax, and if you can’t relax, drift with the current. All of us out here wish you well.

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    1. Beautifully put and so true. These comments, for me, are proof of this very love you speak of, the infinite and ever-watching Father. I shall certainly been seeking that calm water to lay back on… or perhaps I’ll let it come to me. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. You’ve really put a sincere smile on my face. God bless. Jx

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  6. This winter was rough, everyone got sick! Including myself. I think there were new strains of viruses and even bacteria that people hadn’t gotten immune to and it spread everywhere. I’m sure it was pretty rough for you considering your condition. Taking a break in Italy sounds wonderful if you ask me. Have you been to Assisi? It’s a very spiritual place.
    I really enjoyed your song, when musicians get vulnerable and let go when in song, it really transmits and it’s a wonderful thing. I hope you feel better soon.

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    1. I know! I suppose I’m not the only one that’s been feeling it then. My mother thinks it’s something that’s been put into the skies across Europe, a thought that I really truly hate. Never been to Assisi! A really good suggestion… yes Italy always seems to heal me. I think I’ll wait until after Africa though. Usually I try to squeeze too much in, I think. A great story is one thing… but sometimes an early night and good sleep is all I want! I’m learning that. Yoga, meditation, vegan food and prayer… Thank you, Mani. Glad you enjoyed the song. Singing is such therapy to me. Sometimes I forget… felt like a kid again, singing behind a closed door in my mumma’s house. Felt really good too… X

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      1. I know the feeling of being back home. That image of you reminds me of my older brother, that’s what he would often do, just play the guitar in his room. I also understand how you said how you just want to leave the UK quickly so that what you’ve worked for doesn’t come undone.. there’s something about the power of our hometowns bringing up our old ways. I’m heading back to mine for a week in April and although I always enjoy my old home, my room, breakfast in bed, mom’s spoiling, and hanging out with old friends, it’s also kind of an emotional struggle and always painful to say goodbye, more so because I can feel my mom’s pain. Anyway, do enjoy it while you can 🙂 And rest up!

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        1. You’ve put into words exactly how I feel… but I am embracing it, sort of. Today I am happy and wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world. I won’t be here for long, and I need to be here at the moment, for various reasons. It’s funny, when you’re as lucky as we are to have come from good, loving homes, it makes the leaving so much harder. I have left so many bad places behind in the blink of an eye… but home, there’s nothing like it. So familiar, so easy… perhaps that’s why I struggle. Before I know it I’ll be the other side of the world again… such a beautiful and bizarre life. Thank you… again.

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        2. It’s true! We are lucky to have that. I just realized that maybe in a way because we have this loving family and home, we find it easier to leave and have adventures, and follow our heart, and go across the world… because deep down we know that whenever we want, or if anything goes wrong, we can always come back to that safe place. Just now, it’s the first time I ever thought this but it makes a lot of sense to me.

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  7. Sometimes we need to slow down so life can catch up with us. Know what you mean about sickness. I hardly ever get sick and this winter I had flu, an infection, then a cold one after another, why? I don’t really know. As you said spring is here with new beginnings. I’d “lay back on the water” and let the current lead you. Hope you are feeling better soon.

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    1. “Lay back on the water” – that is such a strong image for me. My most relaxed moments have always been on water, laying back, feeling the ethereal element all around and connecting… Greece; Como; Bracciano… many memories. I’ll remember that comment. Thank you. You’ve given me some hope… there will be another Summer, somewhere… I hope all our illness passes with the Winter, Claire. X

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      1. Yes, blue sky above, blue sea beneath both vast with sounds of silence. It expresses a resting in the spirit for me too. Knowing the spirit of God supports and guides me I cease my inner striving.

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